Passing of a Matriarch
My
mum took her last breath at 7.28pm, Malaysian Time on Saturday, 2 February 2013
at our family home in Penang. She had a
long and colorful life filled with triumphs and challenges and she will be
remembered by all her fourteen children; more than 50 grandchildren and great
grandchildren.
I
cannot in all honesty say that my mum and I were really close. I was kind of
rebellious and hard- headed in my younger days and my mum’s regimented ways
were not something I could accept readily. There were many arguments and disagreements
and most times, ended up me branded as recalcitrant and opinionated.
Did Not want to be Like Her
But
the funny thing is that although I have always said that I am never ever going
to be like my mum, I find that as I get older, some of her ways seemed to be surfacing in me. She was always
complaining that I was too flighty. My driving was reckless, I was not careful
enough. When she was in my car, I had to observe the speed limit of 60
kilometers per hour – that is the maximum. Her ideal was about 40. Some of her
incessant reminders that used to bug me included “Don’t forget your prayers
….do it now, don’t delay it.” This used
to drive me crazy because she would not listen to reason – that I had every
intention of doing it even without her reminders. She would go on and on…“Keep
your room tidy, clear the table, clean the bathroom or kitchen – now!” These phrases of hers used to make me so mad
that I ended up shutting her out at times.
Now
that I have children of my own with incredible minds and egos of their own, I
know how she must have felt. I humbly accept it as “Payback Time”. Now I
realize that her intentions were ultimately to nurture me and help me grow into
a good human being. On hindsight, all
the values and attributes I possess which have helped me remain strong,
resilient, dependable and responsible have been as a result of my parents’ upbringing.
I could not have had a better teacher than my mother.
And
the love we had for one another was undeniable. I feel blessed that I had the
chance to visit her frequently towards her last months when she was still able
to, with some effort eat. I fed her, some times had to trick her into opening
her mouth and did all sorts of creative coaxing to make her swallow. I cherished the time when I cleaned her up
with the help of my sister Mimi. The moments when we bathed her and washed her
beautiful white hair were particularly sweet. When I recall those beautiful
moments, making a deliberate effort to be gentle and patient (constantly
reminded and guided by my sisters) because of our immense love for her, it
would always make me tearful and thankful to Allah for providing me that opportunity.
If the small amount of time can give me such
touching memories, I can only imagine the extent to what my sister Mimi feels.
Her whole life revolved around my mother.
She was with her everyday until the very end. None of my other siblings
and I can say that we have taken care of
our mother as selflessly as she had. Even the way she touches and carry out the
daily routine responsibilities for our mother is more like the way a parent
would care for her child; not out
of filial duty but more out of absolute love
and devotion.
I
would not have predicted that I could miss my mother as much as I do now.
Although I realize that her time was just up, and all of us will come to that,
I constantly wish that I had taken more trouble to listen to her. My daughter Shaheera,
at the wise-old age of thirteen once reminded me that I should take time to
talk to my mum when she observed that my sisters and I were more involved with
social kitchen chatters leaving our mum on her own in front of the TV set. I did make some feeble effort to join my mum
a few times but her favorite shows were definitely not to my taste, so I just
let her be – it was easier. Her memory
deteriorated rather fast and in 2009, after a bout of fever, she became bed-ridden
and her Alzheimer condition worsened.
What I was/am Trying to Do Right
I
comfort myself that during the times I visited, I made every effort to be as
close as possible. I recited verses from the Quran in her ears, kissed her hand,
and asked for her forgiveness. I put my arms around her whenever possible and
slept beside her at night, listening to her breathing and snoring. Some nights
she talked in her sleep – often mentioning my father’s name or her own father.
I remember times when she would take the hand I placed into her palm to her
chest close to her heart or to her cheek. It was really moving.
Now
I constantly pray that Allah will place my parents among the righteous and the
blessed. May they find each other and achieve peace and serenity in the hereafter,
AMEN !
