IN MEMORY OF MY BELOVED MOTHER

Passing of a Matriarch

My mum took her last breath at 7.28pm, Malaysian Time on Saturday, 2 February 2013 at our family home in Penang.  She had a long and colorful life filled with triumphs and challenges and she will be remembered by all her fourteen children; more than 50 grandchildren and great grandchildren.

I cannot in all honesty say that my mum and I were really close. I was kind of rebellious and hard- headed in my younger days and my mum’s regimented ways were not something I could accept readily. There were many arguments and disagreements and most times, ended up me branded as recalcitrant and opinionated.  

Did Not want to be Like Her

But the funny thing is that although I have always said that I am never ever going to be like my mum, I find that as I get older, some of her ways seemed to be surfacing in me.  She was always complaining that I was too flighty. My driving was reckless, I was not careful enough. When she was in my car, I had to observe the speed limit of 60 kilometers per hour – that is the maximum. Her ideal was about 40. Some of her incessant reminders that used to bug me included “Don’t forget your prayers ….do it now, don’t delay it.”  This used to drive me crazy because she would not listen to reason – that I had every intention of doing it even without her reminders. She would go on and on…“Keep your room tidy, clear the table, clean the bathroom or kitchen – now!”  These phrases of hers used to make me so mad that I ended up shutting her out at times.

Now that I have children of my own with incredible minds and egos of their own, I know how she must have felt. I humbly accept it as “Payback Time”. Now I realize that her intentions were ultimately to nurture me and help me grow into  a good human being. On hindsight, all the values and attributes I possess which have helped me remain strong, resilient, dependable and responsible have been as a result of my parents’ upbringing. I could not have had a better teacher than my mother.

The Bond that Endures

And the love we had for one another was undeniable. I feel blessed that I had the chance to visit her frequently towards her last months when she was still able to, with some effort eat. I fed her, some times had to trick her into opening her mouth and did all sorts of creative coaxing to make her swallow.  I cherished the time when I cleaned her up with the help of my sister Mimi. The moments when we bathed her and washed her beautiful white hair were particularly sweet. When I recall those beautiful moments, making a deliberate effort to be gentle and patient (constantly reminded and guided by my sisters) because of our immense love for her, it would always make me tearful and thankful to Allah for providing me that  opportunity.

If  the small amount of time can give me such touching memories, I can only imagine the extent to what my sister Mimi feels. Her whole life revolved around my mother.  She was with her everyday until the very end. None of my other siblings and I can say that we have taken care  of our mother as selflessly as she had. Even the way she touches and carry out the daily routine responsibilities for our mother is more like the way a parent would care for her child;  not out of  filial duty but more out of absolute love and devotion.

How I Wished I Had Connected More

I would not have predicted that I could miss my mother as much as I do now. Although I realize that her time was just up, and all of us will come to that, I constantly wish that I had taken more trouble to listen to her. My daughter Shaheera, at the wise-old age of thirteen once reminded me that I should take time to talk to my mum when she observed that my sisters and I were more involved with social kitchen chatters leaving our mum on her own in front of the TV set.  I did make some feeble effort to join my mum a few times but her favorite shows were definitely not to my taste, so I just let her be – it was easier.  Her memory deteriorated rather fast and in 2009, after a bout of fever, she became bed-ridden and her Alzheimer condition worsened.

What I was/am Trying to Do Right

I comfort myself that during the times I visited, I made every effort to be as close as possible. I recited verses from the Quran in her ears, kissed her hand, and asked for her forgiveness. I put my arms around her whenever possible and slept beside her at night, listening to her breathing and snoring. Some nights she talked in her sleep – often mentioning my father’s name or her own father. I remember times when she would take the hand I placed into her palm to her chest close to her heart or to her cheek. It was really moving.

Now I constantly pray that Allah will place my parents among the righteous and the blessed. May they find each other and achieve peace and serenity in the hereafter, AMEN !