Bits & Pieces of My Life

When I reflect upon the fifty something years of my life, sometimes I wonder if it was real or just a peep at someone else’s, called “Harison”. If I am just a peeping tom, who is that person who stares back at me in the mirror? Or is that another convoluted tool created by someone meant to fool the real me? Take that for multiple perplexity - psychobabble at its worst!

Truth be told, my life is far less complicated than that. I consider myself first and foremost a Muslim, a daughter, wife, mother (to my own and siblings’ children), sister, and friend and in each role hope and pray that I bring my own special value to the relationships. Relationships mean a lot to me. Although I appreciate my privacy and love to have time on my own, I am happiest and most fulfilled when I am with interesting and exciting people. I am what psychologists might call a “dominating sanguine”. I am an extrovert; personified – simply love to be the centre of attention and believe that fun is almost as essential as oxygen. I thrive on change and excitement and cringe when I am in dull, staid environments and honestly, find rules and procedures stifling.

I have had a wonderful life, I feel blessed – have a lovely husband, smart and beautiful kids, warm relationships with all my thirteen siblings and mother and I have reached a peak in my career which I am fully satisfied with. I could not ask for more. Except that, a little bit more savings would be great. On a more serious note, I sometimes wonder about the meaning of life – why we exist and what are we supposed to be really doing to fulfill the reason for our being here. I wonder if I have learned enough of how to be a good human, thought enough about things which should matter, done enough to make a difference, and justify my existence. Have I been truly helping my fellow humans or making efforts to preserve God’s creations, and done all I could or should?

The thing is, I find myself progressing one step forward, rejoice and celebrate, and at the next turn, find myself digressing two steps backwards. I discover that, to continually grow and strive to be a better human being is hard work. I suppose it is kind of a journey for me and I hope by 2011 when I would be performing the pilgrimage to the Holy Land, I would have covered more bases. That’s what I relentlessly pray for.

This might sound morbid, but I do sometimes visualize what people especially peers, colleagues, and friends and loved ones and all those whose lives I have touched will talk about at my funeral. I would not want them to mourn or miss me too much, but rather to attest that I have made a difference in their lives in meaningful ways – helped, empowered, shared, provided opportunities, guided, showed them ways of how to live with love, truth, integrity, kindness, generousity without expecting anything back in return and has truly fulfilled my responsibilities as a human.

Wow, if I can really hear all that and if all of them are true, I would not be so afraid to face my Maker right?